Duit Hantaran – The Greed of the Parents
Hmm… Just a random post on duit hantaran. Last night, a friend of mine PUTUS TUNANG… She was very very upset. Let me share with you her story…
She is a fresh graduate and because of that, her parents wanted $20,000 for the duit hantaran. Her tunang is a typical MAT. He doesn’t earn that much and is not a graduate. He has study loans to clear and a bank loan for his motorcycle. He doesn’t have a serious job and keeps job hopping. They are both young (early twenties)…
When I told my parents about my friend, you know what they said? Their comment was “Oh, kalau camtu mak ngan bapak pun mintak same harge la. Kau pun graduate pe… Lagipun, matair kau pun tak lame lagi nak graduate….”
It’s really sad how parents these days are so materialistic and money-minded. Young couples are already soo stressed about wedding costs, HDB costs, renovation costs, etc. On top of that, they also have to meet the demands of the parents for the exorbitant hantaran values. Even the ‘warak’ ones would make unreasonable demands even though they know that only the Mahr or the Mas Kahwin is the mandatory requirement.
To me, the amount of duit hantaran IS NOT and SHOULD NOT be a measure of the bride’s academic achievements or her home making skills. So, it does not matter if the bride is a graduate or not, a banker or a hawker, rich or poor… Duit hantaran is just a gift or a token to the bride’s family. That’s all.
Some parents would say “Oh, memang mak sgaje nak mintak berlebihan. Mak nak test dier, tengok kalau dier ni serious nak kahwin ngan kau ke tidak. Kalau dier boleh kasi duit hantaran tu, makne nye dier boleh tanggung keperluan seharian kau untuk seumur hidop kau!”
Some would also say “Alah, bapak mintak lebih pun tak pe la…. nanti biler dah kahwin, bapak nak kasi korang balik duit tu. Bapak cume nak kasi tunjuk orang tengok jer kat dulang hantaran… Lagi pun, ini kan tradisi orang Melayu kiter…”
Another one: “Oh, mak ngan bapak dah lamer jage kau, dari kecik sampaikan besar. Ape kau nak mak ngan bapak dah sediakan. Jadi kitorang ade hak untuk mintak lebih lebih. Lagi pun, kitorang dah bayar duit sekolah kau sampai university. Duit gaji kau pun skarang ikot graduate nya pay. Jadi, nanti laki kau je la yang untong dapat kau.”
Haizz… Macam-macam comment! Sometimes we girls feel as if we are being sold away like a slave…
If you really want to test your future son-in-law to see if he can commit to the r/s or if he is a responsible person, why test him only in money sense (i.e. duit hantaran)? What about testing him on his knowledge on religion? Or on his character? Or on his family duties?
Jangan nak cakap yang duit hantaran ni tradisi, sebab tu nak kene buat. I don’t think that’s a valid reason. Religion comes first before tradition. Religion says buat yang sederhana. Buat la ikot kemampuan masing-masing. The most impoprtant is pengantin lelaki kasi duit Mas Kahwin (Mahr). Tu jer…
I just hate it when some people in the Malay community judge a person’s worth based on a how much is the hantaran value. Sometimes, boleh berlaga-laga lagi. Duit pun letak kat dulang, konon nye nak tunjuk-menunjuk… Haizz
If I have a daughter who wants to get married, I would just ask (not test or interrogate!) her boyfriend to show me if he can pray and has a good knowledge on Islam, if he has a good stable job and if he is a responsible son who is obedient to his mother. Takpayah lah nak mintak-mintak duit hantaran segalanye…
love dis entry! =)
My precise thoughts. Unfortunately, my mom won’t let the tradition go even though she can be called one of the ‘warak’ ones. When I got engaged, I asked that the duit hantaran go exclusively to me (since I’m going to bear the full cost of the wedding so she won’t have to fork out a cent) and she actually made a face and said she also wants some of it! I was shocked. I told her she can keep the duit salam, but duit hantaran must go to me (I’m planning to use it for renovation / home furnishing.)
Yeah, well… Money can change people. It’s really sad how the elderly can be so calculative when it comes to duit hantaran. And they are the ones who should be setting a good example to the young couples… This is the reason why young couples end up in debts right after the wedding. But in the end, whatever the decision is, make sure you get the restu (blessings) from your mum. Also, if you really decide to give her the duit hantaran, biar ikhlas… Juz remember not to do the same thing to your kids in the future, ok? This is an adat/tradition that I think should be discontinued as it has no purpose. It only adds on to the stress for the couple…
if only eh these parents tau bersurfing the internet and get to read these ramblings of ours, kan best. baru dorg tau isi hati kite. im also facing the same issues with freaking tradition vs religion. but I gave up la trying to make the majlis simple and cost-saving. dengan nak kene gaduh2 with my mother. serahkan je la..
I envy those who manage to save a lot for wedding. mane rumah nak dapat. mane renovation kene settle. tup tup dapat anak! hahmek kau. mane pampers mane susu mane kerete. lain laaaa kalo both of us earning thousands and thousands :’(
Precisely… And when we tell them that we can’t afford, they will say, “Oh, dulu mak ngan bapak boleh buat pe. Asal kau tak boleh. Kau graduate pe. Mesti gaji besar..”
Excuse me, itu zaman biler? Zaman tu, nasi lemak 50 cents jer. Beli rumah, kereta, baju, etc., semuanya murah.
These days, beli nasi padang with 1 meat and 1 vege da $3-$5. 4-room HDB dah about $300k. Jangan cakap kereta, naik bas ngan MRT sendiri dah mahal…And dulu tinggal ramai-ramai in one house boleh la. Tak payah beli rumah dulu. Skarang mane boleh. Rumah semua kecik-kecik. Takkan nak tumpang rumah mertua… Tido kat dapur ke?
If only they understand what the young couples these days are going through… Haiizzz. Kadang-kadang boleh bingit sey…